Toilet Guy by Scott Klavan



Sailor Song, HQ by Aaron Reichert

Aaron Reichert

For the past few years, I have been collecting audition notices, or “breakdowns” for actors. Basically, I’ve been interested in the most ridiculous ones I could find. Today, I am presenting my favorites. These are all actual notices, for theater, film, and TV. While there has been a little editing for length, all of the wording, punctuation, spelling, and typos are exactly the way they appeared on the audition breakdown.

(This group of notices are for men, but I’m sure there are similar, perhaps even worse examples, for women. Maybe next year.) 

So, as a holiday gift to the readers of EIL, I present what I am calling:

TOILET GUY

THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME

[TOILET GUY ]
(Guest-Star) – Will pretend to use subway as toilet. Wall Street/Bridge and Tunnel/Douche-bag type.

[SLAVA THE PIMP]
Caucasian; Should look like a hairy-backed Russian guy in his 40s to 50s. In the scene, he is struggling to shave his own back, so he must be okay with no shirt. 

[HUFSCHMIDT]
Any ethnicity. Male, 27-40. Striking, an alpha male, tense neck muscles, wears a retainer for his teeth at night. Schmitt and he hate each other, which does not keep them from finding each other attractive. Has major confidence issues related to his parents so he overcompensates.

[BUZZ SCHENK]
Age 35 – 45. Cliff’s “side kick” scraggly and scrawny. A frenetic ball of violence who has patiently waited for Cliff to be released from prison to re-ignite his passion for killing and torturing people while he snaps pictures of his victims as his art. (LEAD) 

[COMMANDER VALIANT THOR]
35-44. As valiant as his name, this Angel in human form [aka Created Being] is a spiritual representative of the universe. He arrives on Earth on an urgent mission on March 16, 1957, meets with President Dwight D. Eisenhower, and is immediately put on VIP status, and lives at the Pentagon for 3 years. When certain Joint Chiefs do not obtain Valiant’s super-technology, Valiant finds himself at the mercy elite secret society that runs the world behind a corporate curtain. At the mercy of the society’s evil leader, the Empyrean, Valiant may find himself brainwashed — or worse…LEAD (3) SEE ATTACHED PICTURE. 

[SELF-PORTRAIT/PAINTER/VENICE PAINTER]
(age 50-60) We would like to cast the same actor for all three roles. The Self-Portrait is the from the self-portrait of the Painter. This version of himself is bitter and grumpy. He has a disdain for the Painter, which he explains as a form of self-hatred. The Venice Painter is a more cartoony version of the Painter who exists in a painting of the Carnival in Venice. When he first appears he is upset, but he generally has a more friendly demeanor and wacky sense of fun. The Painter himself appears at the very end of the animated film, and he is actually portrayed by a real person. So you will be ADR’ing your voice to another actor’s performance. He is much older and wiser. He is calmer than his painting counter parts, perhaps because he has found peace through life experience. The 3 characters should sound similar but as 3 distinct personalities.

[RABBI]
30 to 50, an angry rabbi wielding a chainsaw, he also takes part in the raid on Drexel’s headquarters…

[ERNEST BORGNINE IMPRESSIONIST]
Older male who is able to provide an impersonation of Ernest Borgnine in his later years. Talent must be conscientious of his tone, cantankerous nature and comedic skills.

[EXTREMELY SKINNY MAN]
Any Ethnicity, 21-70 years old. He is FRIGHTENINGLY SKINNY. Preferably someone who is not extremely tall, but do not limit your submission. He is featured in a fake banner ad for a porn site of plus-sized women. He will potentially be wearing an animal costume (or just boxer shorts and a tank top) and getting spanked and/or smothered by a large female prostitute…

[MAN]
20-40 white: the character that represents misogyny, colonialism and violence. The MAN, a middle-aged Caucasian male, is shown raping a woman without any previous context. He is also the face of indifference, as he leaves the woman as a disposable object after being raped, without any signs of remorse or repentance. Although nudity could be avoided and the rape will be somewhat stylized, the actor should be aware that there will be a lot of physical contact as the scene is to be rendered realistically to a certain point. Actor must be AT LEAST in his underwear. 

[EUGENE]
mid to late 30s
A defeated, lovelorn, and aging man in a state of arrested development. He’s an assistant manager at a fast food restaurant, but he dedicates his life to his eccentric collection of vintage records and knickknacks. He meets Margo through a cruel prank she plays on him, but it forms the basis of their unlikely (but sensical) friendship—and later romance. Clinging to his cynicism well into his years, Eugene is the male version of Margo if she were to grow up remaining bitter and lonely.

[DALE]
Co-Star / MALE / 35 TO 45
Any ethnicity  Manager, fat, unkept
+ if you have a simple white dress shirt
BACKGROUND
Went into the motel business due to his father’s preference and influence, and has gotten used to having most things taken care of by subordinates. He can assert control, but prefers to exert the minimum amount of effort. Has a penchant for sweets, particularly jelly donuts, and usually has one on his person.
PERSONALITY:
Starts out lazy, but still in command. His only concern is losing his lifestyle – he can’t let the health inspectors close down the motel. When confronted with the monster that his lack of care and cleaning has brought into the world, he loses all confidence and runs, eventually becoming, in a practical sense, a subordinate of Jenny’s.

[COURIER CHARACTER]
Male, Caucasian, Age 35-45, Height 5ft5-5ft9. Tormented by impotence and cowardice.

[PETE]
18-39, jerk. 

[BOB]
(late 30s-early 40s): is violent, sensitive, and aching for peace. Starved of love and understanding, this deeply troubled soul found meaning the only way he knew how: through a dark and destructive obsession with fire. After committing a horrific act of arson, Bob must come to terms with himself: he must face his life in order to find grace through his death.

[RUNYAN]
(40s) He’s a deformed twisted henchman with a severe cleft lip and mental issues shared by other movie psychos such as Jason, Michael Meyers or Leatherface. Despite his large build, his sexuality is ambiguous.  

[MAILMAN]
Male, 40s, religious mailman with an attitude. 

[ROGER]
Male Supporting, 40s, a fat, filthy slob. Not only does Roger have no respect for women, but he is also on the sex offender list. To top it off, he is a bad mechanic. 

[DR. ERNST ZIMBOLA]
Male, (40-50). a dry scientist – the leading authority on “mouth hepatitis.” 

[UNCLE BOB]
(40 to 60yr old)  Caucasian.  Male.  Uncle Bob is an almost grotesquely-weathered miner who loves whisky.  

[INSPECTOR ROMAN PARRY]
35-45 MALE LEAD – Hispanic or Caucasian. Very handsome, good body, gay. Unorthodox, emotional, heartbroken, drug-addicted, troubled Police Inspector. Expressive face. Partial nudity: shirtless only/small shorts. Seduced via an erotic foot massage (toe sucked) by another handsome young male (PARKER). Must be able to cry. NAME ACTOR PLEASE. 

[MR. TINKER]
50s-60s.  ANY ETHNICITY.  A technical genius who seems to exist across many, many different worlds.  In fact, he is the only character who seems to recur in many different forms.  Some versions of Mr. Tinker are hostile, others are insane, others might be willing to deal for a price.  Some are rich, some live in the streets.  Mr. Tinker is never named the same thing, never seems to be aware of his other selves and yet he reappears in many forms. In this first episode, he comes from a nuked-out dystopia… 

[DRUGGED MENTAL PATIENT]
(Male) (40s), Male mental patient who shuffles across the room in front of her like a zombie, drooling… 

[WERNER KOPKISSEN]
after extracting his own dream to escape his unrequited love he travels the world projecting it as a carnival sideshow, Dog’s love sparks in him the hope that his own may someday live again. Note: Written as German, but will consider others. 

[CREEPY MAN]
Male – Caucasian 40-60.  Creepy looking man with bad teeth and speaks gibberish.  

[TIM]
38, Male; Tim is a gimp, and he is a strong and aggressive police officer who is ofter abuse sex workers and never pay them. He believes that prostitutes do not worth a penny. He asks his new and young police partner Brian to get a prostitute, and don’t let him to pay her as well. 

[VINNY]
(Lead) overweight/obese, sad, pathetic, with an overprotective mother, absent father, learning disability, and bad genes, works out of his home as a hairdresser. Places an ad in the paper for a woman to live rent free as his roommate. When Meshka answers the ad, he falls in love with her. Attempts to stand up for himself but fails.  

[LUGWICK]
Lugwick is a 6 inch tall gnome who grew up in a family of conservative house gnomes in upstate New York. As soon as he got the chance, he left home to try and make it as an actor in the big city. He was successful in the late-80s and early-90s but the advent of visual effects and a growing alcohol dependency put him out of a job. Now homeless and living in a shoe on the street… 
 

[MAN]
Male, Caucasian. Late 30s to early 50s. A troubled father figure. Lost and a bit sad, but extremely appealing. He is handsome and genuine. Actor plays a freaked-out patriarch, a Spartan mentor and a repressed suburban drone, among others. It is preferred that the actor have a great body. Strong pop/rock bari-tenor singing voice.

[LINDSAY]
(Male 50s) Staunch supporter of the avant-garde. An asshole.

[HOMELESS MAN]
wretched old man sets Aubrey off when he yells out anti-Semitic insults; after their argument simmers down, he ironically gives Aubrey some very useful life advice.

[DOCTOR D]
an old creep with a foot fetish who claims to be a trained doctor; Aubrey watches one of his videos about how women can make themselves more attractive and his only advice is “show off those toes.”

[PETE]
Male, Caucasian, 20s to 40s, a compulsive masturbator who rooms with one of the investigating patients. He constantly gets teased for his condition and gets very angry about it.

[LOUIS PASTEUR IMPERSONATOR]
Actor required to act as a Louis Pasteur Impersonator for 3 hours for an event in OCTOBER 2016. Castings will be held with the client once chosen but before that you will be required to send in a video clip reading a script that will be emailed to you once you are chosen. Being able to put on a French Accent is preferred for this role. Great opportunity for mature male actors.

(And you wonder why actors are neurotic.)

To all Toilet Guys, and Gals, I wish you:

Happy Holidays

And I look forward to presenting more theater reviews and essays in 2017!

–Scott Klavan

scott-klavan-author-photoScott Klavan, theatre writer at Escape Into Life, is an actor, director, and playwright in New York. Scott performed on Broadway in Irena’s Vow, with Tovah Feldshuh, in regional theater, and in numerous shows Off Broadway, including The Joy Luck Club. His stage adaption of Raymond Carver’s short story “Cathedral” was produced off-Broadway by Theater by the Blind (TBTB, now Theater Breaking Through Barriers), and his play Double Murder was published inBest American Short Plays of 2006-2007. For twenty years, Scott was Script and Story Analyst for the legendary actors Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. In 2014, he starred in A Soldier’s Notes, an episode of the new Web Series Small Miracles, alongside Judd Hirsch, earning him a nomination for Outstanding Actor in the LA Web Series Festival 2015.  He directed the one-woman show My Stubborn Tongue, written and performed by Anna Fishbeyn, at the United Solo Festival in New York, and a series of staged readings of a new comedy, Sheila & Angelo, at the Dramatist Guild. In 2015, he appeared in the Off-Broadway production of the musical Sayonara, for Pan Asian Rep. Scott directed and appeared in the solo play Canada Geese, by George Klas, in the 2016 NY International Fringe Festival.

Scott Klavan at EIL

Scott Klavan’s review of The Babylon Line at EIL

Scott Klavan’s review of Heisenberg at EIL

Scott Klavan’s review of The Humans at EIL

Scott Klavan’s review of Hand to God at EIL