The Logic of Opposites[1]
I’ve recently discovered that my sense of self likes to oscillate between extremes, or opposites. For example, one month I might be particularly economical, and another month I might be excessively profligate. Depending on the hour of my life, my character tends to embrace one extreme or the other. And strangely, these opposites can sometimes sit beside each other without my being aware of them. This discovery actually occurred to me through observing someone else at first; then I realized it about myself. I realized about a devoutly Catholic/poet friend of mine that she was simultaneously embracing the absolutist Catholic doctrine of the Incarnation and the postmodern doctrine of Relativism. This struck me as both odd and strangely beautiful. She herself didn’t have a problem with accepting the two opposing ideologies; in fact, she incorporated and integrated them into her poetry. Perhaps ideological—and psychological—opposites do not necessarily mutually exclude each other.
Why do I identify with opposing behaviors and ideologies? I guess my soul is seeking balance. Unconsciously I seek a balanced life, a way to reconcile the conflicts within myself. But I alternate from one embrace to the other, from one extreme to the other, from one ideal to the other. Ultimately, I believe my soul wishes to integrate the opposing positions and ideals into a synthesized and harmonious whole. This is my wish: to live in harmony with myself.
The ultimate conflict within me is my dual tendency of indulgence/compulsion and abstinence. These behavioral opposites represent the two extremes of my personality. On the one hand, I am obsessive-compulsive. This means I repeatedly do certain behaviors that once I start, I find them difficult to stop. Typically I find something I like, for example, a certain type of bagel and cream cheese or a certain activity, such as reading or running. And I eat this certain type of food or I do this certain activity over and over again. Not only do I rarely tire of the given object, but my compulsive behavior progressively increases. The other extreme of this dual tendency is compulsion’s logical opposite, abstinence. Abstinence is a clear solution to the escalating unmanageability of indulgence and compulsivity. If I have a problem with online shopping, then I should abstain from online shopping. If I have a problem with drinking, then I should abstain from drinking. Some behaviors are easier to avoid than others; however a plan of abstinence can be made for all addictions.
Thus I find myself engaging in the dual patterns of compulsion and abstinence. The most recent example is, after a month of heavily indulging in sugar (candy, cookies, etc.), I made the decision to abstain from sweets. Today is my third day without sugar. I feel as though I identify with the act of abstinence just as much as I identify with act of indulgence. In other words, these are two opposing sides of my personality.
Just as I wish to strengthen myself by watching the amount of food I eat, by disciplining my mind in meditation, by working diligently, and by avoiding harmful behaviors; the rhythm of my body tells me to “ease up” sometimes. If I do not suffuse my whole person with a sense of freedom, then odd behaviors will begin to sprout up. Discipline has its silver, but balance has its gold. We can do much with discipline, but more with balance. Ever since I came into recovery for my drug addiction, I have been making choices to abstain from other “substances” and “behaviors”. First, I quit smoking, then I quit eating meat, and then I began disciplining myself through running long distances. For years I have abstained from television. The list grows and I continue to discipline my mind further. But the more I restrict myself and contract my lifestyle, the more I find other areas of my addictive personality expanding. For example, I quit drugs and began craving sex. Or, I quit cigarettes and began craving sweets. I meditated twice a day, and became addicted to online shopping. It appears that wherever I contract myself, some craving inside of me is bound to expand.
So how do I balance the opposing forces in my life? I’m trying to become conscious of balance itself, to understand that balance is located in the breath, and specifically in the rhythm of breathing. When I am conscious of my breathing, I am balanced. My breath prevents me from jumping into an emotion, a thought, or a craving. My breath holds me close to my center whereas attachments, cravings, and compulsions lure me out to the periphery. Going between extremes can be a frustrating and fragmenting experience. Eventually I would like to move away from strict abstinence and move toward the golden center of moderation. Moderation is undoubtedly the key to a balanced and healthy life, a simple but not easy practice.
I seek integrity, wholeness, symmetry and balance. I want my thoughts to match my words and my words to match my actions and my actions to match my destiny. I want my vision to match my insight. I want to fully integrate the sun and the moon, the male and the female energies, the ying and the yang.
[1] This
title is borrowed from the book of poetry The
Logic of Opposites, written by my mentor, Alane Rollings, a poet and
teacher at the